What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
