That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
