Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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