We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
