If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
