You're my little dorito
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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