Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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