every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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