1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You can't just leave with hair like that
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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