She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
