I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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