I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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