every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
