didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
