Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
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