just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
