It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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