32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
