please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
