My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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