I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He passed out mid-signature
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
