i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
