what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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