I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
