the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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