I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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