I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
