I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
