I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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