Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
i need to put some appletini on your dick
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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