I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
