So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
