Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
