It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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