Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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