my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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