Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Your cock deserves a montage
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
