i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
