last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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