A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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