I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I will pee on everything he values.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
