You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
