my vag is so smooth its legendary
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
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If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
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I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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