She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It's never too late to be topless.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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