Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
