I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
