Define "chronic" masturbator.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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