smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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