Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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