God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My liver just had a heart attack.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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