I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize
