so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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