I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
