If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Randomize
