I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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