my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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