I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
